my breath fogged up the glass

been at berkeley less than three full days and i already feel like i've been here a week. and that i've seen all there is to see here (or most of it, anyway). if i wasn't already down with a sorethroat and a cough from the dry weather and headed to nyc on a flight that almost guarantees next to no sleep, i might be enjoying myself a little bit more. as it is, berkeley's been full of surprises. after a long ass flight, we touched down on saturday afternoon and were brought to skates on the bay for a delicious lunch of dungeon crab dip and a weird (and scrumptious) shrimp burger thingy. then we got to our b&b - which, oh man, it's not terrible or anything but it's definitely not a b&b, we pretty much wound up buying our own water and groceries and bathroom slippers from walgreens so we're now completely self-sufficient in our cosy little bedroom. the only real complaint i have about the b&b is that it's up a humongous, horrifically steep hill. the first couple of times we walked up and down it were fine, but every time since it's been a real test of character! anyway, we settled in and didn't venture out again. we had some bread and chips from walgreens for dinner and then had a (relatively) early night.

unfortch we both woke up at 6am on sunday morning, and that went on to become a crazy long day. we got dressed and headed to crepevine for, well, crepes (avocado for me, salmon for ken) and then spent the next two hours walking around our neighbourhood, which is gorgeous and apparently full of hidden gems which i fully intend to re-explore at a later date. (it turns out that very few retailers open their doors at 8.30am on sundays, who knew?) then we headed to fourth street, which was full of lovely small specialty shops! we had a late lunch at bette's diner, with delicious strawberry buttermilk pancakes and a less delicious slice of fruit crisp. ken had the key lime pie which was also pretty yummy. after, we spent most of our time in the most adorable furniture shop, cb2 (AND THEY ARE GOING TO OPEN A BRANCH IN SINGAPORE AND OMG I AM TERRIFIED FOR WHAT THIS MEANS FOR MY WALLET). then we went to see a travel shop and i bought a ton of luggage tags for my parents. THEN we went to this adorable gardening store and i got my dad the loveliest fathers' day card :D

we headed over to telegraph avenue after that (which is another street we need to revisit, because we barely got to look at it this time) and walked around the t-shirt orgy shop (it's actually called bear... something, but the locals all know it as the t-shirt orgy shop, sooooo) and bought a couple of graphic tees. then we ended up at daiso while waiting for candy_swirlz because IT'S DAISO, HI. i love daiso. we bought ourselves paper cups for our room and also bathroom slippers and also hi-chew because hi-chew is DELICIOUS. then candy_swirlz joined us, and we stopped for hot dogs at top dog and also ice-cream at cream (WHICH WAS SO NOMMY OMG, PEANUT BUTTER COOKIES + BANANA FUDGE WALNUT ICE CREAM? YES PLEASE.) then took us for a tour around uc berkeley, which was (mostly) really pretty! and after that was done we went back to her boyfriend's for some home-made laksa, om nom nom. it was late by the time we got back, though, and the trek up the hill was like something out of a horror film ):

the plus side is the amount of exercise i'm getting though. even i'm impressed by me.

despite all that, we were both up again at 6am this morning (something stephoosaurus informs me is known as weirdo jetlag) but we were adamant on not moving from our beds, so we watched an episode of the pitch while munching on bread and chips and only left the house (after a slight kerfuffle over the fact that we have lost our house keys) at 8ish. we headed to sunnyside café for breakfast (avocado and swiss scrambled eggs for me, eggs benedictine for ken, which were SO GOOD AUGH) and then took a bus to emeryville to get a spot of shopping done.

the interesting (and frustrating) thing about berkeley is how into locally-owned businesses the locals are, so there are barely any big chains around. it's been fun, but getting to see familiar names like h&m and guess today was a nice change of scenery. i wound up buying a TON of things, sandals and nail polish and an adorable vest and purple pants (!!!! BEST BUY EVER CAN I JUST SAY) and a backless bra and and i'm appalled because it's only my third day here and i haven't even gone to new york and asljkdfdg oh my gosh what am i going to do with myself. my sorethroat hit me towards the end of that shopping trip, though, and i was feeling a little queasy, so lunch was not the most enjoyable affair for me. ken enjoyed his spaghetti though, so that's a plus! what i could stomach of the broccoli was really tasty, too, and also the bread and pesto.

now we're back at the house and i'm trying not to fall asleep so i don't fuck my sleep cycle up even more before i head to new york tomorrow night to see andrew garfield's face on broadway! \o/

FIRST CLASS HONOURS, BITCHES

the official remark i was given is: YOU HAVE COMPLETED THE DEGREE OF BACHELOR OF ARTS IN PSYCHOLOGY WITH FIRST CLASS HONOURS WITH A MINOR IN LINGUISTICS AND MULTILINGUAL STUDIES

which is crazy and amazing and i'm still waiting for all of it to sink in, still feeling a little bit like IS THIS REAL LIFE



tied in with



and



except that is barely a fraction of how i feel because it's been four fucking years, awful and amazing and crazy and I NEVER WANT TO DO THAT AGAIN. it's the strangest, craziest thing; i remember telling myself just think, in a couple of years you're going to be at the end looking back and it's going to be amazing and now here i am.

i don't really know how i feel yet, except for a little bit overwhelmed and kind of in awe and it's that time of the month so i have no doubt that i am eventually going to end up all



BUT IN THE MEANTIME, WHILE I PROCESS, ( HAVE A GIF DUMP )

so things are still a little bit terse around the house. that could just be me projecting, though. we settled everything last night, when my mom came in my room to tell me that my dad was going to be sleeping on the floor of my grandma's bedroom, but that he hadn't managed it yet, probably because he was still upset we'd fought over lunch about how fucking ridiculous he can be.

so we cuddled and made up, even though neither of us actually said we were sorry - and probably neither of us actually was - and i offered to take the floor instead because he is such a light sleeper, that man, honestly. he refused but i ended up on the floor anyway a couple of hours later when he came upstairs to sleep in his own bed. i had sherlock fic to read, and doing it in my bed didn't seem much different from doing it at the foot of someone else's. still. it's hard to actively wish someone was dead when you're listening to them choking, or to their breath rattle in their lungs because they can't do something as basic as clear their throat. it's fucking awful.

anyway. i went to bed at 7, and by the time i woke up we'd apparently decided we were going to rehire the maid my dad hates but the rest of the family loves. and my dad actually said out loud that he'd realized he needed at least two people watching over my grandma at any one time because one person just wouldn't be able to cut it. he watched her on his own for less than 24 hours, and he didn't yell at the maid at all today. it was a thing of breathtaking beauty.

it should also be noted for posterity that, while this isn't the first time we've fought, it's the first time he's used the minute we're stopped at the traffic light to say, thanks for yelling at me yesterday. you were right.

it's the most disconcerting feeling.

and it figures this would happen over the mother's day weekend + my dad's birthday, really.

less than 24 hours till i leave for japan to spend some quality girl time with my mom and candy_swirlz. i am STOKED.

i hate dementia.

i hate having a grandmother i don't know.

i hate that i want her dead and she isn't.

i hate my stupid fucking father and his stupid impulsive face and his complete inability to be rational about his mother and how he thinks SENDING HOME THE ONE PERSON WHO'S BEEN LOOKING AFTER HER FOR THREE. FUCKING. YEARS. BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WASH HER FUCKING HANDS IS A SMART DECISION.

i fucking hope the next helper we get is abusive the way this helper SHOULD HAVE BEEN BUT WASN'T. if you're not going to fucking take care of your mother by yourself you have no fucking right to say she wasn't doing a good enough job.

fuck you, dickface. I'M GLAD YOU'VE UP AND DECIDED YOU'RE NOT GOING TO JAPAN. I HOPE THINGS FUCKING FALL APART WHILE YOU'RE AT HOME ON YOUR OWN STRUGGLING WITH SHIT AND PEE AND FEEDING SOMEONE WHO IS COMPLETELY INCAPABLE OF TELLING YOU WHAT SHE WANTS OR NEEDS. GOOD ON YOU. FUCKING TERRIFIC.

i want my other grandma back.

i'm just really, really fucking sad right now.

( the trials and tribulations of a singaporean girl in beijing )

flawless flawless flawless

I LOVE ACAPELLA THIS IS WHY TAKING AWAY THE WARBLERS WAS SUCH A BLOW TO EVERYTHING THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL ABOUT THIS SHOW / EVERYTHING THEY WERE FINALLY GETTING RIGHT

disclaimer: i don't even like this show most weeks because the characters are annoying and the writing can be so awful it almost makes me feel like i could be a screenwriter and the acting is bad 90% of the time

BUT SOMETIMES (MOSTLY WITH DARREN CRISS' HELP) THEY GET IT RIGHT

i mean really. this whitney episode aside, let's not pretend this performance



was anything but a-fucking-mazayn and i don't even mean the singing but pulling off acting while singing. i mean, whoa, how often do we see that happen on this show (hint: NEVER) ffs, darren, way to show up your castmates. no but really i just wept through that whole thing because HIS FAAAAAAACE.

and i was willing to write that off as a one-off fluke because i've always been a fan of blaine, but not so much of darren criss - he's always just seemed so overrated - but then IT HAPPENED AGAIN THIS WEEK WITH HIS STUPID FACE AND ITS STUPID PERFECT EMOTING WHILE HE WAS JUST SITTING SILENTLY IN A CHAIR IN GLEE CLUB WATCHING HIS BOYFRIEND SING A (not-great) RENDITION OF AN APOLOGY SONG AND THEN HE GOT ALL WEEPY IN FAKE THERAPY (and let's not even get into how much that bugs me, emma is probably the worst counsellor in the line-up of terrible tv counsellors/therapists (seriously, i could write an essay about how disparaging all this is to my future line of work and how it could impede people with actual problems from coming forward BUT THAT IS ANOTHER ESSAY FOR ANOTHER DAY THE POINT HERE IS DARREN CRISS' PERFECT FACE))

still suffering from ~emotions~ from that scene, i can't. i love that they're being all healthy and talking about it and hashing things out and - just -- everything about klaine is perfection and i ship it so. hard.




ummm also i have an exam in 3 days and i'm not ready for it at all and if i cared about it half as much as i care about darren criss and his stupidly perfect emoting face i would be all set. alas.

so i realise i should be putting down at least a brief outline of where i'm going to be in the next couple of months because apparently i am going to be missing people by like two weeks everywhere and also i would like to prevent another tragedy like missing zqti in nyc over nye last year.

my last (undergraduate) exam (ever!) is 27th april, and then i'm off to beijing on the 2nd of may to see chengwei for 5 days! then it's off to a remote-ish part of japan with my (entire! ♥ candy_swirlz ♥) family from the 15th to the 21st. after that it's even more candy_swirlz time because i'll be visiting her in berkeley for three weeks starting on the 26th of may. (i'll also be making a (really brief!) trip to nyc to see andrew garfield on broadway (!!!!) and to strong-arm paitac into spending time with me, lalala.) (AND ALSO I'M GOING TO DISNEYLAND) (AND ALSO I'M SEEING MY BOYFRIENDS IN CONCERT um i mean what)

i'm back in singapore for a couple of weeks (maybe a month?) from mid-june to early- or mid-july, then it's off to europe to watch my brother race again. the dates are a little bit fuzzy, so i'll either be in spain or the uk first, but i should also be stopping by scandinavia! bubbleforest already knows there is no getting out of seeing me, and i'm hoping to see tipsytuna and maybe adelate as well? :D? anyway, while i'm in the uk for the race i'm definitely sneaking in some pixiebeanz and bloodbelieve time!

if i can sneak anyone else in as well, that would be awesome~

ughhhhhhhhh

( i will put the rest of these under a cut though because too much of this face will probably melt someone's ovaries and i can't be held responsible for that )

1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
2. Am I loveable?
3. How long have you known me?
4. When and how did we first meet?
5. What was your first impression?
6. Do you still think that way about me now?
7. What do you think my weakness is?
8. Do you think I'll get married?
9. What makes me happy?
10. What makes me sad?
11. What reminds you of me?
12. If you could give me anything what would it be?
13. How well do you know me?
14. When's the last time you saw me?
15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
16. Do you think I could kill someone?
17. Describe me in one word.
18. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
19. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
20. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?

i'm done.

actually, properly, completely, totally done.

still working out how i'm supposed to feel underneath the grit and grime of going on 5 days with barely any sleep, but.

i'm done.

to celebrate i bought myself the loveliest dress from warehouse (though i was probably swayed by how amazing it looked with my hair) and bread from maison kayser and watched / half-dozed through beauty and the beast 3d and had a crazy expensive but totally amazing japanese dinner with my cousins and everything was hunky dory

and THEN i came home to the HUGEST MOST BEAUTIFUL BOUQUET I HAVE EVER SEEN, sent from bubbleforest with all the love in the world--( no, really, look and see )

and yes i still have a ton of work to do now that my thesis is over, and i'm still not sure how i feel about that thesis being over, but i'm feeling pretty amazing about everything and everyone else in my life ♥

caught in a sudden moment of (not unfounded) terror that i'm not going to be able to do this after all.

i wish someone was here to promise me that it doesn't matter, even if i don't finish (or worse, if i do and it's sub-par). it's less than a week to an ending of something i don't feel ready for, and i don't know what i'm scared of most.

pimping this out because it's better and more sensible than ANY AND ALL THE ROUNDS OF f_march_madness OF ALL THE YEARS PUT TOGETHER, HEYO.

presenting intrenches' and spurtle's MARCH MADNESS~

CHOCOLATE RAIN AND DECIMAL SYSTEMS, BARBER SHOP QUARTETS AND SIGMUND FREUD'S CIGAR, ALL THE MOST PERTINENT THINGS IN LIFE. GET IN THERE AND VOTE BEFORE MOVING LIKE JAGGER LOSES OUT TO A DUPSTEP REMIX, COME ON GUYS

just posting to wish samibee the HAPPIEST OF BIRTHDAYS~~~

you are legit one of the coolest chicks i have ever met ever. i still get all beamy just thinking about our awesome day in chicago. you are the best thing i got out of bittybang, and that's saying something! ;D

I HOPE YOU HAD AN AMAZING BIRTHDAY WITH LOTS OF CAKE AND SPARKLES AND EVEN THOUGH TODAY IS NOT THAT DAY, ONE OF MY ULTIMATE LIFE GOALS IS TO POP UP ON YOUR DOORSTEP WITH STREAMERS AND A CUTOUT OF MISHA (AND MY LUGGAGE)! ♥ ♥ ♥

i am glad glad glad glad glad that i went for the lit fest today. apart from being a (much-needed) break from my thesis, it was just the most amazing feeling, being surrounded by people who know and love a craft that doesn't get as much attention as i wish it would. there was so much to see and experience today, and what surprised me most was the fact that my favourite readings and performances came in the forms of writing that i don't usually enjoy. like performance poetry, and physical theatre, and oh my god, just sitting there getting to listen tot he exchange of ideas and knowing that i was hearing from people who actually know what they're talking about was just

*_______________________*

ALL THESE FEELINGS~

my new literary hero is jay bernard, because she takes performance poetry and makes it accessible and seductive, and at the end of her piece today i had goosebumps, it was just the most amazing thing. and for someone who isn't part of, doesn't consider herself part of, the theatre scene, or even the writing scene really, everything that came out of her mouth was just brilliant and fresh and exciting and invigorating alwksr,jfhdsrfgoildjfgkhfh



and she feels incredibly dynamic in person. she's not the loudest or the chattiest or even the most charismatic, but when she speaks you'll catch yourself leaning forward to catch every word. ngl, the fact that she's british totally helps.

kristina marie tom was awesome too, and her readings were probably some of my favourite poetry i've ever come across. it just got to me, the way she used her words, always economical, nothing too fancy, nothing inaccessible (which--i think i'm being unfair to poetry in general when i say i don't like it; it's not the genre so much as it is the samples that i've come into contact with, because it's always the same old thing over and over, angsty singaporeans using bombastic words i'm not even sure they understand, everything melodramatised when it's the same drab theme i've read a hundred times before, using words for words sake; fucking pretentious, basically).

He doesn’t belong to Monday afternoons—
she comes home, he’s waiting by the open door;
so begin the car rides: day there, night back,

the moon more faithful now than ever
to this window. He still sweeps her
from the back, clears the safety belt,
soft syllable so—once

a cough catches, a premonition:
the neighborhood an animal,
unseen claws—consider

his shirt did not use to thread so thin.
She discovers oyster crackers
in the hospital cafeteria, doesn’t wash
her hands, thumbs

salt, when she sees him age in the bed
and learns the need to be gentle—
the surest but not the only way

to teach a child restraint.

i actually teared up a little bit as she read this.

also incredibly interesting was ben slater, who read us a bit of the script he wrote for ghostwalking.sg. (it looks like so much fun, and is such a fresh idea, so if you want to do the walk the way it's meant to be done, instructions can be found here.) he sounded nothing like a singaporean man, though perhaps if someone singaporean had read the script it would've sounded more authentic (i doubt it), but the script itself was fantastic. just new and exciting and a different perspective on the recycled scenery and ideas. he also took the screenwriting workshop i went for, which was less informative because we were so short on time that all we did was brainstorm, which is my least favourite part of the writing process, not gonna lie, but he seemed so comfortable and experienced and talked a bit about the asian independent film making scene, which was a real eye-opener.

closer to home, jocelyn was amazing. i'm really not into physical theatre but she just made it work, and her monologue was fantastic, just gripping and engaging and, like always, she pulls in this sense of singaporean without ever making her work inaccessible to the wider non-singaporean audience, which is so important and so rarely ever done well here. one thing i learnt from her is to keep the feeling of a piece in mind while you write it, that intangible, unspeakable mood that you want to create, like "the blossoming of a fresh rose". something you can't quantify in words, but that conjures up a specific emotion.

of course, with the good came the awful, like twilight lady (a published local poet who is recently attempting to delve into the terrifying world of (young adult?) fiction). she read a couple of poems, which was your basic unimpressive, pretentious, typical-singaporean drivel. i could've dealt with that. but then she brought out HER UNFINISHED BOOK. jfc, i'm plenty judgmental as it is when it comes to writing, and i've met my fair share of terrible (singaporean) writers, but SHE TOOK THE CAKE. SHE IS THE STEPHENIE MEYER OF SINGAPORE, YOU GUYS. HER EXCERPT WAS MAYBE 5 PAGES LONG, 3 PAGES OF WHICH WERE EXPOSITION, AND THE LAST 2 CONSISTED OF A "CAMP EDWARD VS CAMP JACOB" DEBATE BETWEEN A BUNCH OF STOCK FEMALE CHARACTERS. not to mention she did the typical "primary school writer" thing where instead of sticking to "she said" as often as possible, she came up with crazy alternatives like "she agreed" or "she said with suspense" or "she hissed strenuously".

let me reiterate: SHE. HISSED. STRENUOUSLY.

WHAT. EVEN. IS THAT. HOW DO YOU DO THAT. WHY IS THAT EVEN -- HOW WAS SHE NOT CRINGING WITH EMBARRASSMENT AS SHE READ HER SHIT OUT TO A ROOM FULL OF OTHER WRITERS, ASPIRING AND PUBLISHED BOTH. I JUST - I CAN'T -- TORN BETWEEN LAUGHTER AND ANGER AND WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN HAPPENING HOW IS THIS REAL LIFE. I DIDN'T KNOW PEOPLE PAST THE AGE OF 11 ACTUALLY WROTE LIKE THAT.

/STRENUOUS HISSING

fml, people should be made to pass tests of quality control before they're even allowed to try their hand at writing, much less inflict their shit on unsuspecting members of the public.

that aside, the day closed with open-mic night, so we were subjected to an unnecessarily lengthy, tragically boring, essentially pointless "short" story about a snowman and a stove who fell in love. insideabubble later pointed out that it had been about a snowman and a stove. the whole time i'd been listening to the story i thought it was about singaporean gay vampire boys. i mean, when you say things like "HE THRUSTED AGAIN AND AGAIN, HIS COLDNESS INSIDE ME" OR WHATEVER WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO INFER.

one of the adults in the row in front of mine actually said, "hasn't it been five minutes?" halfway through his reading, and someone in the row behind me replied, "patience." and i just cracked. up. i mean, like i said on twitter, i don't consider myself a very good writer; i think i'm all right at it, i can string sentences together better than some people, sure, but i'm not a jay bernard, or a kristina marie tom, and i likely never will be. but tonight, after watching the painful trainwreck that was open-mic night--i might not be good, but i'm not that bad. if i'd known how awful it was all going to be, i would've signed up as well just to make myself look good in front of all those published writers.

stolen from somewhere around the interweb

1. give me a pairing. (threesomes and moresomes welcome.)
2. give me an au setting. (or a song.)
3. i will write you a three-sentence fic.